I never had much of a temper until I had kids. I know they’re supposed to bring out the best in you, but mine can summon a rage I never knew existed. Although, now I can think back to when my sister and I were younger, we’d fight–kicking, pulling hair, smacking–hurtful fights. And I remember just wanting to beat the shit out of her. Nice, right? Mostly my younger daughter pushes my buttons. She is so headstrong and independent at the worst times, it can be infuriating. Especially when we’re rushing around in the morning trying to get everyone out the door, her to school, E on the bus and me to my train on time. I never hit my children, but boy can I scream when I reach the boiling point. Then, I feel like the biggest piece of shit and the worst mother on the planet afterwards. As I should. There’s poor K sobbing and asking for a hug. I mean, if that doesn’t make you feel like the shittiest, most evil mother I don’t know what does.
I asked my own mother if she used to yell at me like that. Because I just don’t know where it comes from. She didn’t give me a direct yes, but I got the feeling that she did. I was the brat. I was the stubborn one that wasn’t afraid to yell back. So I’m sure I got a smack or two and just don’t remember.
I apologized to K and told her I would work on not yelling and being more patient. But, isn’t that a sign of an abusive person? To yell and scream, then be remorseful afterwards? I can’t let that be me. I don’t want to traumatize my children or have them be afraid of me.
If I could go back and change things, knowing what I know now about myself, I don’t think I would have children. I believe many people think they should have kids because that’s the next “step” in life. I think people should take a series of tests to be qualified. I’m not so sure I’d pass.
1 Comment
January 17, 2009 at 4:21 pm
just randomly saw your blog…. and personally, i don’t think ANY of us would qualify.
It’s nice to see that other “normal” moms think the same way i do.
thanks for making me feel normal.