I want the piece of cake with my name on it

As most holidays for us, there is no relaxing. Except maybe for a couple hours in the morning. Then, we’re running around trying to get ready to host my family for Father’s Day. The MIL and FIL were also coming. I tried talking my husband into going to his parents, I’ll deal with my family. Instead, he chose to work the grill. In 95 degree weather.

In the food planning chaos, as my aunt was talking about bringing a birthday cake for my stepmother, grandfather and another Aunt whose birthdays were within the last few days, it occurred to me that MILs name should probably be on the cake as well. Ugh.

I called my Aunt to see what she could do. The cake was already ordered and no doubt made and ready to be picked up. Fortunately, they were able to squeeze the MILs name. It looked squeezed in, but whatever. Can you imagine if her name wasn’t on it?

Of course, did the MIL thank us, or anyone for including her? Hell fucking no. And she sure as hell took the piece of cake home that had her name on it.

I swear to you. She actually requested it. Like a fucking 6 year old.

Another freaking birthday – will they not end?

As if we could forget, the MIL has announced that her birthday is fast approaching. Wasn’t it just a few months ago that we celebrated it? Jesus! For someone who is aging, past the retirement age, I’m not quite sure why she feels such a strong need to celebrate. But I suppose it’s not the birthday celebrating she cares about. It’s celebrating HER. I’ve never in my life known anyone so self-important or self centered.

She calls my hubby, “You know, my birthday is coming.”

No-fucking-shit.

“Well, I’ve never been to insert very expensive restaurant here and R (FIL) and I are going. I’d love it if you guys could join us.” (note: Doesn’t want to celebrate birthday at home with grandchildren. Bitch.)

Don’t you love the backhanded, passive aggressive way she manipulates the situation? She pulled this shit on her milestone birthday last year. I wish my husband would grow a pair when it came to dealing with her bullshit! This is how I want the conversation to go.

“Yes, mother. I know your birthday is coming. You remind me every fucking year. Aren’t you getting a little too old to continue making a big deal out of it. You want to go WHERE? You do realize that I may not have a job in a few months and spending that kind of money is a little outrageous right now. Not to mention that we have to pay for a babysitter since you’re picking a restaurant that isn’t appropriate for kids. How about you get over yourself. And when you do we’ll be happy to celebrate over burgers and cake.”

And that’s the polite version.

I hate summer because I have to see her so often in such a short amount of time. I’m talking like every other fucking week. The FILs birthday dinner. E’s birthday dinner. E’s birthday party. Father’s Day. Her birthday. The SnoreFest (a.k.a. her boring family summer gathering that everyone loathes but her).

I requested from my husband last night that after the SnoreFest, we take a break from his mother, or at least I get a break from her. I’m on overload just thinking about it.

The Mothers are coming together

It’s that time. The time of the family events. Which means my mother and the MIL will cross paths. At my house. They haven’t been together in over a year and a half. On purpose. I can’t deal with the tension.

But, that last time they were together? It actually went well. I wasn’t there. I was stuck in a hurricane in the British Virgin Islands. And everyone was taking turns watching the girls. MIL went to my mother’s house to pick up the girls. My mother said reported back that she was a “normal human”.

Last year, the hubs talked to his mother about the situation, how she makes it impossible to be around her and it’s affecting family get togethers. She accused my mother of being rude to her at a bridal or baby shower of mine. That was 8 to 10 years ago. She’s been holding a grudge ever since. Except now, after the kid transfer that went so well, she’s finally ready to move on and put the past behind her.

But is my mother?

She accuses my MIL of being rude to her at one of my showers.

Will it ever end?

My daughter’s eighth birthday party is this Saturday. I invited my mother because she has a longer drive so it’s easier for her to come on a weekend. MIL lives just 20 minutes away so she typically comes to celebrate on the actual birthday since the last few years that’s fallen on a week day. It’s worked out great. My mom likes to help at the parties. MIL would just sit in her queen throne.

Except this year, E invited MIL to the party. And MIL “can’t let her granddaughter down”. God forbid.

The hubs let me know with a casual, “We have a situation.” How’d I know it had to do with his mother?

My response? Abso-fucking-lutely not. I’m not dealing with 20 kids + the tension of the mothers. I’m not doing it.

Then he reminded me of the conversation he had with her and how she was ready to act human, all the time. How can we tell her she’s not welcome when we’ve asked her to behave and she’s agreed to it?

Fine then.

I called my mother to give her fair warning. MIL will be here. She’s promised to be nice. Put on a smile. Make a great fake effort.

Then so will my mom.

And if she’s a bitch then I’ll just ignore her, she said.

Fucking MIL.

I can’t even stand her presence. She puts me on edge just by being in the same GD room. Now I have to have her gloom and doom hanging over my daughter’s party.

What’s worse? Our friends that come will stay for a cookout after all the kids leave. But she likes to hang and chat with the hubs’ friends. Someone’s going to have to kick her ass to the curb.

Did I mention she was also coming for dinner on my daughter’s birthday tomorrow. That’s right. Two fun filled get togethers in one week with MIL.

Fuck me.

Who would you give your kids to?

A few years after my husband and I had our kids, it occurred to us that we needed to find guardians for them should something ever happen to us. The obvious answer would be to have them go to my sister and her husband, but, while my brother-n-law is a really nice guy and fun to be around, he’s cheap and drinks waaaaay too much for my comfort level. Plus, I think they make terrible decisions without looking at the big picture in situations.

 My husband has no family and his parents are too old (not to mention my mother hates his mother). They couldn’t go to my mother because, well, she’s just over the child-rearing stage. My father and my stepmother? That might work, except that they live in North Jersey, far away from the rest of our family, friends and school, and my mother would be devastated, to say the least.

So we looked at our closest friends and decided on The H’s. They loved the girls and the girls loved them. We have the same family values. We thought long and hard about this. It’s a huge commitment, especially since they aren’t part of our family. We sat them down. Talked to them about it. Asked to to really consider it. And they agreed. The only thing missing were the formal documents.

We thought we made a great choice. That is, until they had a child of their own a few years ago. It was then that we got a really good look at how our children’s lives would be. And we realized we don’t parent the same way. In fact, we disagree with much of how they parent. Their son isn’t disciplined. He practically runs the house. The father treats him more like a little brother, letting him watch movies like Iron Man (he’s 3 years old!). He doesn’t sleep through the night so he sleeps in their bed. He pretty much does whatever he wants. So, now what?

We really have no one to turn to. We can only hope to live until the girls are 18 years old.

Have you found guardians for your kids? How did you decide?

The favored grandchild…continued.

Somehow, in all the nonsense with my MIL, I became the bad guy. I’m not quite sure how, as I’ve bitched only here and to my closest friends about it. Yet, my husband was upset with me for putting him the middle. The middle of what? you ask. I’m just not sure. Since his mother created this mess, and he and I were on the same page about it being wrong, somehow I’ve put him in the middle. Because I told him he had to talk to her? Don’t know how that’s putting him in the middle. He suggested himself he would have to talk to her. I’m so at a loss for undertanding this situation, that I’m pretty f*ing angry at him right now. I mean, how does this happen? What did I do wrong? I got upset because my MIL favored my older daughter and had no intentions (as apparent to my husband and I) to treat my youngest daughter the same. I reminded my husband to speak with his mother. And that’s it. Like I said before, she is the only thing we fight about. Then, he had the nerve to say that over time her behavior has gotten better, and mine has not. That, I can agree with. She has gotten better, if you can imagine that she was actually worse. I have not, because I still hate her.

I would loved to have been on the conversation. Clearly, she manipulated him to make him feel guilty for having even considered that she would ever favor a grandchild. Whatever. We all know what’s real because I’m not making it up.

Can someone recommend a good therapist? I need more than this blog to keep me sane.

Update, twice, and more to come…

This is an update to the previous post. If you haven’t read it, go ahead. We’ll wait.

Soooo, I sent my wonderful mother-in-law an email and as expected it took her a few days to respond for two reasons.

 1. She’s a just not that computer literate. Besides who the hell is really sending her emails anyway?
2. A close friend passed away.

Nonetheless, she responded with this, pulled exactly from her email: “I was wondering why E kept asking me what K and I were doing on Wednesday. I agreed that doing something with K was only fair and will do so sometime, soon.”

And she signed off the email: “Sorry about the K confusion.

I can’t help but focus on that comma between “sometime” and “soon” – there is so much to be read into that. But I’d much rather make her disappear with a snap. Where is my fairy godmother when I need her?!

Anyway, I could no longer keep this from my husband. Thankfully, he is as enraged about it as I am. He was going to bring it up when she called him Monday to wish him a happy birthday, but she had spent the entire day at the funeral. Not appropriate, I agreed. Instead, he figured, he’d wait until Wednesday, today, the day she was supposed to take K out. I’m still waiting for that call to happen. Any bets? Any?

Fortunately, K doesn’t remember that she was supposed to go anywhere with the MIL. And at this point, I don’t even want her spending time with my children anyway. I’m just so frustrated that once again she manipulated the situation to suit her. Although, I would like to point out that, according to my husband, she didn’t specifically say Wednesday would be the day. She said another week, or next week, or something like that giving my husband the impression that it would be today. Either way, she truly is a master manipulator. And still a royal bitch.

Stayed tuned for the actual conversation…whenever that may be.

Edited to add:  It is Thursday. My husband did not speak to his mother as he said he would. No surprise there. What’s worse? He had the nerve to get pissed at me for asking him about it this morning. He said he was too busy yesterday. Bullshit. He said he was handling it. Um, really? You haven’t talked to her. He told me to leave him alone about it. Excuse me, asshole? This is my child too and we’re supposed to be on the same page here. Grow some fucking balls and speak to your narcissistic mother.

Really, she is the only thing we fight about. Bitch!

My MIL favors one grandchild

My mother in law is the only thing in my life that causes me true, blood boiling stress. I can honestly say freely that I H.A.T.E. the woman. I don’t say that word loosely or about anyone else.

So, what leads me to this hateful place…she told my husband that she wanted to take the girls shopping…separately. Immediately, I want to know why separately?! Well apparently, because she can’t handle both of them out shopping by herself. They are 5 and 7 fucking years old! They are not toddlers for fuck sake! Whatever. My husband is a god damn wimp when it comes to this shit and she talked her way into it. She agreed to pick up E after school on Wednesday, and would pick up K after school next Wednesday. Anyone want to place bets on K going shopping? I didn’t think so.

She brings E home promptly 10 minutes before bedtime. Yet, she still needed a shower. Thanks for once again being considerate of other peoples schedules, MIL! So I asked what they did because I saw no shopping bags. Apparently, “shopping’ was her way of having E point to things she would like for Christmas (because clearly the list we would provide her wasn’t enough) and what she thought K would like. And she’s going to do this again with K next week? Uh huh.

Because I can’t let it go, I ask E about her “shopping trip” the next morning. More specifically, did Grandy say anything about taking K shopping? Oh, just that she didn’t know when she was going to take her. If I was living in cartoon world, my face would have turned reddish purple and steam would have come out of my ears. Seething. Livid. I can summon those feelings right now just typing about it.

Seriously, what is wrong with this woman?

So, I sent her an email. In my passive agressive way, I mentioned that she should let us know what she buys for the girls because the things E pointed out are on the LIST that we share with everyone. Oh and K is really looking forward to her turn shopping with you on Wednesday.

I opted to NOT tell my husband, because when it happens that she doesn’t come to pick up K, I want to see his fresh reaction. Plus, she and the FIL are coming on Monday for dinner to celebrate the husband’s birthday – his 43rd birthday – of course, his mommy has to be there for it. God forbid. And I want to bring up the Wednesday shopping trip with K in front of everyone. And then, people, if she bows out, I will fucking lose it.

Except that I can’t. Because the girls will be there. And I have to be gracious. But I will say something. And it won’t be nice.

The youngest-looking grandmother…puhlease!

My MIL took my girls to see the local horse show and fair on Saturday. The first thing she told me when she returned the girls safely, but late of course, at home was that she got the greatest compliment. (Notice it has to do with her- not that the girls had a great time.) She ran into one of K’s friend’s and her mother. And the mother told MIL that she was the youngest-looking grandmother she’d ever seen. Without even thinking, I said, “That’s funny.” I mean it came out and I didn’t even know it. She swatted at me and said, “That’s not funny.” Seriously, I didn’t even realize I said it. Then I couldn’t stop. I said, “Oh yeah, she’s really nice. She said the same thing to my mom at K’s birthday party.” Ha. That felt good. Evilness.

My MIL birthed my children

Apparently, my mother-in-law birthed my children. According to her, all their good characteristics come from her, or her side of the family. E loves reading. “Well, I was an avid reader as a child. She must get that from me!” E loves chocolate. “So do I! She must get that from me.” E has a really bad sweet tooth. “I love candy. She must get that from me.” She doesn’t say much about K, of course. She’s told my husband in the past that she feels a special connection with E because E reminds my MIL so much of herself. I tell you the woman is narcissistic. J, my husband, is aware of this behavior. Because, of course, I am relentless when it comes to pointing it out. So when she blurts  obnoxious statements out like, “K has narrow feet like me. Maybe she’ll be a dancer like me.” He points out that I have narrow feet too. It runs in my family. Really it doesn’t but you get my point.

E’s birthday was yesterday. She turned seven. So my in-laws came over for dinner and cake. The comparisons, or whatever you want to call them, were endless. I try to keep the peace and not say a word, but it’s really reaching ridiculous levels. What’s worse, this has been going on for YEARS! I don’t understand why she needs to keep doing this? Why do her characteristics need to come from anyone? Why can’t they just be who E is?

Have a mentioned lately how much I cannot stand this woman?

I’d give thanks if my MIL disappeared.

Yesterday I got the official notice that my in-laws will, in fact, be alone on Thanksgiving. Mind you, this is by their own doing. They simply do not want to drive a long distance to their family get together. My mother-in-law sent my husband an e-mail: We got a message from (person who hosts) that the Pocono house is rented so no Thanksgiving get together. Are you having Thanksgiving at your house?

Do you see how she’s already injected the guilt? There is a get together. It’s happening in Long Island. They just don’t want to drive there.

Because my husband asked and because I thought maybe, just maybe, we can start to mend this dysfunctional family get together situation, I asked my mom how she “felt” about having Thanksgiving at our house with my in-laws. Well, the 15 minutes of rage that I endured following that question was pretty much what I expected. It came down to this: We rotate holidays. This is my turn. I will not budge. I better see you and your girls at my house for Thanksgiving. I don’t blame her. My husband doesn’t blame her. Now I’m bracing for the backlash from my MIL. She’ll pull the guilt card out hard. She’ll use every angle she can get. She’ll insist on getting something from us during this holiday (which we were never supposed to spend with her anyway). And my husband will cave. And I’ll start looking up divorce lawyers. It’s coming. I can feel it.